How to talk to a veteran

Hellcat · **Posted:** Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:42 pm

My brother in law almost died on this date many years ago in that most terrible of wars. His Huey took several hits and went down a few miles from his base. He lost his gunner and he has had a tough time ever since. He served two tours in Vietnam with not too much action ... other than one mission that almost sent him home in a body bag. I know the date of the trauma, but I know very little else. As with dad, he never talks about much as well.

I wonder if there would be a way or a respectful approach for people like us here on WIX, or anywhere else, to be able to safely and respectfully ask questions of veterans that would allow them to open up about their experiences in war? I cannot blame them for never wanting to talk about their horrible experiences because so many chastise them for so many things they have no clue about. I have never been awake one day that I didn't reflect on what horrors a veteran of any war endured. Believe me, I know what my freedom cost. I wonder if there are folks here who have had, or have, an experience with asking difficult, but respectful, questions to veterans about their war experiences.

My dad never talked much about the horrors of war, rarely even talked about his flying career with the Navy in peacetime.

What hero's we have from so many conflicts who silently exist among us. Too bad we have so much apathy in our world. I have ran out of words (yes, even me) to express just how important these hero's are .... Anyone, anywhere, at anytime who ever put on a uniform for any free country is a hero .... Pretty simple isn't it?

It's heartbreaking everytime I log on WIX and open another thread about the loss of another hero. My dad and uncle come to call to me everytime. God bless them all.

BTW, my best friend's grandfather is on his death bed right now. (90 years old) He flew B-17's in WW2, flew in Korea, flew B-52's in Vietnam. Retired as a full bird Colonel. My friend is reluctant to post here on WIX, he has several photo albums from his granddad. He doesn't get WIX and the value of it like we do. I can't force him to share his grandfather's photos. But I'm trying. I've seen some amazing stuff. I've got a sister who feels like my friend ... reluctant to open up the photo albums.

I guess a question to you all would be how we would approach folks who would rather keep valuable history hidden away for good?

M

RyanShort1 · **Posted:** Wed Jan 21, 2009 11:56 pm

Mark,

As some of the area WIXers may know my family often attends airshows and such with me. We almost always take some copies of a film called The League of Grateful Sons (I know the folks who produced it pretty well) and hand them out to veterans. We used to always hand them out to WWII veterans, but of late have been giving them to Vietnam and other vets as well. Often we'll spot someone before they realize it (funny how some guys you can just tell...) and will ask them if they served in the military. The next set of questions follow such as where did you serve, what did you do, etc... Most are willing to talk, but even if they're not or say that they don't want to talk about it we'll thank them for their service to our country, shake their hand, and offer them the DVD for free. Of course sometimes we try a bit harder than others to get a story out of them with a question like what was your most memorable mission. I've heard some good stories out of that question.
You would be shocked at the number of Vietnam guys we've talked to who've cried and mentioned that no one has ever thanked them before. Now my family doesn't particularly "like" the Vietnam War as I would tend to believe that it wasn't necessarily a "just war" but we still recognize that most of these guys honestly believe that they were doing what was best for our country, had honorable motives, and the forces that they were fighting against were really and truly bad guys.
I personally think that the keys to having good conversations and establishing a relationship with a veteran are really the foundations of any good friendship. Honesty, sincerity, kindness, patience, respect, etc... It helps if you ask good questions, don't make yourself look too stupid (It's ok and sometimes helpful to ask a few stupid questions if needed to make them feel like an "expert" :wink:

), and PAY attention and listen. You might pick up on a subtle thing that leads to a much more interesting conversation.
Oh, and dressing respectably and using good manners (look them in the eye, don't drop slang, etc...) doesn't hurt either with the older generation especially.

Ryan

JDK · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:02 am

Excellent post, Ryan.

And a good question, Mark.

muddyboots · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:14 am

But no matter how bad the bug has bit you, when he says no, you need to finish your request with a simple, I understand but if you ever change your mind, I'd really love to record this. I'm finding when guys don't want to talk about it, they really don't want to talk about it. I hope it works out, bud! Also keep in mind when he says it was boring and not much happened, he may be shading that so he doesn't getdragged into a conversation he'd rathe rnot have. I've never met anybody who lived through a combat zone who didn't have a ton to say, once you get him going. Don't just ask about his "incident." Get him to talk to you about life--where he ate, where he lived, where he operated and what the men he worked with were like, you know, the REAL part of life in a war.

SparrowV12 · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 12:44 am

This subject of course applies to all Vets of all ages. My son is a combat line medic that spent a 15 month tour in Irag, he went through an "incident" one night with his comrades that earned him a bronze star with a "V" device. What you guys are saying is true, if I question him about it, he doesn't really want to talk to much about it. But sometimes he will just start rattling off about many, many things that ran through my imagination of what he and his group of young men were going through. We had the opportunity to meet all of them when they came home from Irag and I must say that I have never been in such awe of a group of young men. Obviously this scene has been played many times over all of the years with young men going off to battle and all of the families at home worrying about them. All of these folks are always in my thoughts and prayers and I am forever greatful for the sacrficies that all vets have made over the years for God & Country.

Mike

BigGrey · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:36 am

My father has talked very little about his experiences serving in the infantry in Italy during the war. One day I was talking to him and finally got some info about his unit from him. I did some research on the web and e-mailed him what I found. My mom said that dad sat at the computer for hours reading what I had sent. He then asked mom for his box of stuff and then spent hours going through his mementos from his service. He was crying as he looked at photos and papers.

I have never seen the contents of that box. I hope to see it while my father who is 86 is still with us. His mind is still sharp as a tack but he really doesn't like talking about his experiences. I think the few horrific stories he has told us is his way of trying to get us to stop asking.

Les

Ztex · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:12 am

Great subject, Thanks Hellcat for bringing it up.

The history buff in me wants to hear the story behind the man. I have talked to many vets and very, very few of them will talk to a stranger about their service with any detail...at first.

My uncle never talked about his experiences until his wife talked him into going to a reunion...the we couldn't shut him up! You never know what will start them up.

I have been at airshows when to merely touch the aircraft brought a vet to tears and a bit of his story came out with the emotion of the moment. A Vietnam vet and a Huey can make for a powerful moment. (that's what is best about Warbirds - IMHO)

Other vets I have known for years before they would let you into their memories. I have a customer who had to leave his B-17 on his first mission, POW for the duration...it took for ever to get most of that story. I never asked about the "incident" but one day he told me the details sitting right here in the office. It was a very matter of fact conversation. Very moving for me to hear. This is the first "incident" I have heard first hand. Amazing!

If a vet will talk to you be happy with what ever they tell you...don't push too hard. They will shut up and may never talk to you again...it's happened to me.

I think Ryan has it right...be honest, respectful and patient.

ww2John · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:26 pm

This is a good thread...
Patience and a willing ear/attitude.
Knowing something(s) specific about the veteran's unit history is very helpful to both understanding what they might say and gently guiding the conversation when appropropriate.
And sometimes, they won't talk about anything related to their wartime experience. Its their experience and they can share or not as they like. They have certainly earned that right.
I have had many conversations with veterans, mostly of the WWII era. Some were friends, some became friends, some were just people I happened to meet. Being receptive and perceptive is the key to getting people to share.
I have a WWII Vet (John) who is a very close friend who, years ago, introduced me to one of his close friends, a WWII vet (tanker with Gen. Patton). They met in college on the GI Bill and became close friends and still live within 1/2 mile of each other. John's friend never talks about his wartime experiences because the memories (more about discrimination than combat) make him too angry (rage).
However, when John's friend and I first met, for whatever reason, he started talking about his pre-war life and that led to talking about his early-war (pre-combat life). He did this without prompting and I dared not interupt. He abruptly stopped talking well before his combat time and I did not press him to continue. Maybe next time we meet he might continue...maybe not.
After that conversation, John expressed his amazement because his friend had shared details and stories with me that John had never heard before.
My point is, you never know when someone will share their experiences with you. Patience and being a willing ear (receptive to listening to someone) are two prime attributes to hear oral history. Knowing what the heck they might talk about is a big plus.

Hellcat · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:45 pm

What I find tremendously interesting is the fact that there are probably many, many personal albums with thousands of archived photos that none of us have seen. (and sadly probably never will) :cry:

I'm sure there are private collections that would certainly give us many different viewpoints of many things we take for granted as factual history. What a treat when we get to see photos of events from a different angle. I would imagine that there still are many photos of events such as December 7, 1941 that we have not seen, let alone film footage we haven't seen either. I wonder how many buried time capsules are out there with vast amounts of wonderful history.

I still believe someday someone is going to find a hidden cache of warbirds somewhere buried. I dream a lot too. :wink:

M

fotobass · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:29 pm

My mom's 2nd husband was a medic in Viet Nam. Other than a few words when he gave me his pea coat, I've seen 'reactions' twice.

Once we were in a pool near where their boat was docked in Missouri. I heard a helicopter and thought it might be a Huey, but before I finished thinking that, I noticed he'd frozen, and was looking between where we were and where the sound was coming from.

He never looked at it, but I did, and yes it was a Huey.

The second was when we were at the Grissom air museum. They've got a Huey there, and he was trying to talk to my sons (6 and

about it. Talked for about a minute, then his voice caught and he walked away.

WHen he came back, he hugged my kids and apologized to them, saying that 'some things are really hard for Grandpa to think about.'

All that was posted as an explanation for why I'm so very appreciative of this thread.

Django · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:31 pm

There is a guy down the street with a WWII veteran decal on his mini van. I have always wanted to stop and just knock on the door and say hi. Never had the balls though. He does have the decal on his car though, so obviously there is some pride there and might be open to some interest?

Hellcat · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:57 pm

I remember a few years ago sitting in LAX waiting for a flight and sitting across from me was an older fellow who was wearing a sport coat. As I sat there looking blankly and silently around, I noticed this gentleman had numbers roughly tatooed on his forarm. I knew exactly what it was but I reached over and (even though I probably shouldn't have bothered him) smiled respectfully and softly said "is that what I think it is?" .... he smiled and respectfully said softly "yes it is" ...

I sat back and left him alone. But I sure would have sat there for hours and gratefully had missed my flight if I could have listened to his life for a while.

We're losing too many too fast. It's heart breaking. Like I said, God bless them all.

Eric Presten · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 5:49 pm

Awesome thread.

I have started some great conversations by asking potential book customers what types of airplanes they are interested in. When I look up the page number and show them the types, they are often the types they flew in combat. They just start talking and......

Many of you have good warbird photo collections. If you show these veterans your pictures you will find many that have not seen so much as a picture of a/an (insert his type here) for decades. Just a picture placed on the wall can do it.

As amazing as it is, many of them think that the new generation has no interest. By seeing one of my books, they see I am interested, and sometimes share great stories. You pictures say the same thing about you. Try it starting with the trainers so you can stop or go on based on his reaction.

mustangdriver · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 5:52 pm

This is an awesome thread. I have done interviews for the NMUSAF and EAA Timeless Voices with Zack, and all are great tips. THe main thing is always be respectful. You may want to know about the action that they saw, but you can't just jump right on that. You have to get the whole story and ease into it.

67N20 · **Posted:** Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:18 pm

After the Wings over Houston airshow flying events last October, I was at the Lone Star Flight Museum's tent waiting for my Stearman ride.
There was an elderly gentleman and his wife in the group with us and we found out he had flown B25's in China during WWII and his wife had bought a B25 ride for him. He was even wearing his WWII leather jacket, wish I had taken a picture.

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