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I was meant to be doing something important. Instead:
New Warbird Laptop computer. ‘WBC’
The on button is in three different places, one ‘button’ is a hidden leaver on the underside, another a small winding handle that barks your knuckles. New users have to find an old, crusty user, and bribe him/her into teaching them how to start it. It requires the user to tickle the computer into use. Successful users are firstly enveloped in a cloud of smoke, before being enveloped in a cloud of sound.
Has a higher oil consumption than electricity use.
If it’s not leaking oil, it’s empty. If it’s empty, the cool designer Magnesium alloy mouse makes a special grinding noise, glows red, then catches fire.
The ‘cooling fan’ is normally very loud. Long-term users, when asked (by writing the question on a piece of paper) will assure us that it’s a special ‘sound of round’ and is the only sound they like. When asked for details they’ll say “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
The screen uses special ‘makes you glow in the dark’ paint.
The case and keyboard will engender dissimilar metal corrosion. Pop rivets can’t be used for repairs.
The default setting on the number line is for the ‘#&^#$%’ ‘expletive deleted’ as used by maintainers and engineers.
The mouse has ‘EMERGENCY BOOST’ written on it, and a rubber stop at the top for when being used by a pilot. The trackpad has ‘stroke me’ written on it for the same reason.
The wall plug has a ‘remove before flight’ tag.
The right key combination, when pressed, comes up with the screen message: “My, what a big watch! Yes, Bill Gates will be delighted to cash your cheque. PLEASE tell me more about your flying experience.” Many users have spent their entire user-career trying to find this key combo.
The ‘blue screen of death’ isn’t. It says ‘Laptop has departed controlled browsing. Please centre mouse and pray.’
Pressing ‘Restart’ causes the computer to groundloop, denting all four corners. Cautious users advice setting the ‘tiedown’ facility before turning off, especially for the T-6 beta version.
It is available in a wide range of colours, all slightly wrong to experts.
There are rumours of examples in ‘Navy’ colour. These appear to have all been buried at sea.
There is a serial number on the bottom, made to the new ‘EDowning standard’ The serial number is S/N EDs0. It is always S/N EDs0. No other serials are available, as the issuing authority ‘had to go fly’.
Purchase price is remarkably low. In fact examples can be readily found for the cost of the tie-down fee behind many airfield hangars – but the maintenance costs exceed NASA’s budget.
Old computer enthusiasts get very excited when shown pictures of ‘Silicon Valley' where earlier examples of the WBC are parked and cannibalised. They will spend billions refurbishing an earlier version of the WBC from there just to re-paint it in the slightly-wrong colours and show their friends.
The 'CAF' is a support group for users. They have an annual 'Compusho' where CAF members (all honorary 'Geeks') come and perform formation internet-browsing and recreacte great moments from computing history. (No we couldn't think of any great moments in computing history either.)
No warbirds were harmed in the making of this post.
_________________ James K "Switch on the underwater landing lights" Emilio Largo, Thunderball. www.VintageAeroWriter.com
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