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I found this in some of our files. It is a funny directive from the Confederate Air Force "safety officer" alias, Throckmorton T. Beauregard, from 1969. It's funny for pilots and non-pilots alike... albeit it is funny how much of this actually happens to some degree.
Wish the CAF still did stuff like this...
(FYI I typed this up and left typos and grammatical errors as-is... Don't point fingers at the messenger!)
ENJOY!
"Confederate Air Force
S.B.I.
(Southern Bureau of Investigation)
Rebel Field, Mercedes, Texas 78570
The Octagon
August 1969
To: Rebel Air Crews
From: CAF Flight Safety Office
Subject: General Instructions – Dallas – Ft. Worth Demonstration
Pilots and crew members participating in this mission will assume all responsibilities in a manner which will reflect the superior knowledge and extraordinary skill of the typical Rebel aviator. Your instructions are as follows:
1. Aircraft from Bomb Command and Fighter Command will rendezvous over Round Rock at an altitude of exactly 8540 ft. on Friday August 29, 1969, at 08:00 to 14:00 + or – 1:72 hrs. (compass heading Rebel Field to Ft. Worth 372° variable magnetic.)
2. Any aircraft with operational compass may serve as flight leader. (Charts published prior to 1936 are not considered reliable and should not be used.) Refueling stop will be San Marcos – compass heading 10° to 60° mag. Approx. Advise Headquarters of change of location of any major cities or rivers encountered en route. Care must be used at intersection of US 81 and US 79 north of Austin – Stay on US 81.
3. If you become surrounded by lostness, land at nearest airport – Do not as where you are – Ask directions to nearest men’s room. Display confidence – smile at everyone. Read your location on front of hangar and proceed to Dallas.
4. FAA Briefing: Be a few minutes late to all FAA briefings – This will assure the Briefing Officer that you are no amateur and have attended many such sessions. Ask several elementary questions to be sure the Briefing Officer is competent. Make witty remarks throughout the meeting to leave no doubt in his mind that you are not merely a “hot-rock” but that you are a “smolderin’ boulder – Senior Grade”.
5. Have the CAF Briefing Officer carefully describe your aircraft to avoid takeoff in the wrong machine.
6. At takeoff time, approach the aircraft in a reckless, devil-may-care manner as this makes a big impression on by-standers. Do not trip over the power cables, as this doesn’t make a big impression on by-standers. Ask the nearest small boy what type of aircraft this is ---- Just to make sure.
7. Conduct your preflight in a rapid but deliberate manner. Check all fuel tanks to see that all air has been removed therefrom. Be sure to kick vigorously at all tires. When you come to a complicated part of the airplane, stare at it seriously for several seconds before going on. This creates a favorable impression on your crew chief and makes the by-standers think you know what you are doing.
8. When you have finished the preflight ask another by-stander what aircraft this is. Then proceed rapidly to your assigned aircraft and repeat steps 5 through 7.
9. To enter the aircraft, approach it from the left side and leap lightly onto the access ladder without looking.
10. Pick yourself up off the ground in a casual manner, locate an access ladder and climb the steps. (Note: Control the tense feeling in your stomach ---- above all, don’t look down!) Enter the cockpit in any manner you choose. If at all possible, avoid going in headfirst.
11. Next, check stick and throttle positions. If the stick is in your left hand and the throttle is in your right, you are in the cockpit backwards. Don’t panic! Smile at the crew chief, wave to the by-standers and slowly rotate your body 180°. Now rearrange all shiny, well-used switches, levers and buttons in the cockpit in a pleasing and eye-catching manner. Don’t bother the dull, corroded ones. Prepare to start the engine!
12. Upon starting the engine, advance the throttle smartly to military power and stand by for the crew chief’s signal. When he begins waving to you, do not wave back. Rapidly rearrange the switches, levers and buttons, until the right combination is found --- whereupon the crew chief will stop waving. (Note: In making magnetic check, move ignition switch as rapidly as possible to obtain lowest drop in revs – and to prevent complete engine failure on inoperative magneto.)
13. When the signal is given to taxi, advance the throttle smoothly, hit the “highblower” switch and jump smoothly over the chocks. Retard the throttle to military power and try to avoid further use of highblower while taxiing as this irritates ground personnel.
14. When taxing, an effort should be made to avoid collision with spectators as this causes damage to the propeller – and creates an untidy condition of the ramp.
15. If, after turning out of your parking spot, you see a large gray wall, stop quickly, turn around and taxi back out of the hangar. You have committed a rather serious error.
16. After arriving in the general vicinity of the runway, immediately begin calling the tower at frequent intervals in a loud, authoritative voice. Do not take negative for an answer. This will accelerate the launching process. If you are on a downwind runway, take off anyway. This will demonstrate your self-confidence.
17. After leaving the ground, pull the nose up smartly, close your eyes and count to 10. If contact with the ground has not occurred by the time, continue the mission as briefed. (Note: You may open your eyes for the remainder of the flight if you wish – however, this is optional.)
18. You may not relax and amaze yourself (and the spectators) with your uncommon ability to perform incredible feats of aerial gymnastics. Note: All pilots are directed to maintain a one to one ration between take-offs and landings. Pilots found in violation of this directive will forfeit parachute privileges!
Carry on, Colonel! ------ In the highest tradition of the Corps.
PREPARED BY: Your Friendly CAF Flying Safety Officers,
Throckmorton T. Beauregard,
Colonel, CAF"
_________________
Taylor Stevenson
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